I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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