the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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