he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize