Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
