and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
