watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
