The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
