How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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