How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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