remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
