My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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