mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
