this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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