Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
