Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
