Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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