I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
