Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
