If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Randomize