I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I did not marry a roomba.
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