Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
