just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
