If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
