: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
