just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
