im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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