if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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