Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
so much tequila, so little girl.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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