I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
