I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't want my vagina anymore.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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