I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
