my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
