there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
