she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
