I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
