Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
