The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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