I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
