This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
