If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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