did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize