We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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