i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
