It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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