She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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