Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
