does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
