I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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