I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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