she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
