a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
