just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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