Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
