it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
