You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
