if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
