come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
