Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
